He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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