I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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