when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
