Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
