So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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