god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
How's work?
Spinning.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
