i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I think I sprained my soul last night
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
