Porn is love you can see.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
