Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
