i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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