Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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