I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
