I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
