Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
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