Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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