i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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