you have to choose: penises or morals?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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