Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
if i can run in heels then i can drive
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Randomize
