so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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