anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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