He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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