Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
