I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
