I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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