If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
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