The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
