Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
