Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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