I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
