I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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