best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
