Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
