We're like a lot better than the average bears
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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