Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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