happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
