soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
