mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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