quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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