I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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