It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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