8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
