I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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