i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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