just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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