I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
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