i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Randomize
