So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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