smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
