life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
