I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
