Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
