Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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