I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
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