Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I smell stomach acid.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
