I'm going to jail i love you
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize