I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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