i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
My pussy is not your playground.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
