I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
