I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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